We have all had, I am sure, moments in our life that we feel deflated or unable to move past the status quo. On January 26, 2009, at the ripe old age of 20, I decided to enlist in the Army National Guard for various student loan programs. I think many women and men can attest that a day at MEPs is an awkward experience having to complete various physical tests such as the “duck walk” in our skivvies. This, however, would be a small insight into the many small tests we would have to endure in the future. (I don’t mean this in a bad way.)
Before I get into my story – please know, as odd as it may sound, I would complete basic training again. It was one of the most rewarding, self-disciplining, and team building experiences of my life. I attribute most of my success to the values instilled in me during this time. Before entering into Basic Training I was given a little bit of insight from a male friend, “Out of sight, out of mind.”
The first day of actually starting your training is a true testament to your character, determination, and conviction in yourself. Riding in an old school style bus that was cram packed full of soldiers; for the most part, it was relatively quiet, maybe some chatter here and there between soldiers but overall, mundane. The bus pulls up in front of these double decker trailers (it was the craziest thing) and immediately a swarm of drill sergeants climb onto the bus literally screaming at you to get off the bus and grab your gear. Pennsylvania at the time had a program where soldiers were issued a complete uniform uniform set ~ and had to actually complete ‘pre-basic training.” To my horror, I was the only soldier that had two completely full duffle bags, a personal bag, and our hygiene bag that was full from a couple days prior as a result from going through the post exchange (store on post) buying all of the mandated items on our “you need this” list. We were, now I say forced but am using that term loosely, forced to run up this hill with as many bags as you could carry to a concrete slab that had a roof covering – essentially a pavilion.
My friends always pick on me – but even with my groceries, I have this mindset of one trip – I am not making two. I threw one duffle on my front, one on my back, and then the two other bags I grabbed with each hand. It was quite the sight, I am sure. I ran as fast as I could past the long cascading line of drill sergeants up the hill to the “safe space.” To my relief I had a tiny break when I reached the pavilion; the drill sergeants were still concentrating on screaming at all of the other soldiers to get their bags and move with a purpose. It was the middle of June in South Carolina – to say that it was scorching hot, that my friend, is an understatement; especially since we were all wearing a long sleeve top which covered a cotton t-shirt, pants, head gear, notorious long green socks, and boots. I quickly learned to let the subtleties of being a “woman” go during this period of my life. HA! No time for worrying about sweat stains or stinking… or even shaving your legs – we have a job to do.
My first realization moment of “oh my god, what did I get myself into?” was when I witnessed a girl fall to the ground and from my view appeared to start seizing. A Drill Sergeant picked her up like she weighed next to nothing and to be honest, I don’t know if he put his fingers in her throat or what…. I just remember being mortified! Over the next few weeks, we were all tasked out to train – and train hard without complaint. For a couple of days I went along with the out of sight, out of mind mindset – but a fire was burning in me to prove to myself I was capable of being a leader and to prove myself to others. We had what is called a confidence course; now all this is – is an obstacle course where you and your team have to complete the various obstacles in a certain amount of time. On one obstacle in particular- there were logs upright in the ground and we had different sized 2X4s in which we had to figure out how to get everyone from point A to point B. This may sound easy but the legs are various lengths apart and when you have 4 people or more standing on a 2X4 trying to cross each other or then pick up the 2X4 without it hitting the ground – it gets pretty challenging. I was pushed to the back and had to stand back and watched my team fail…. fail again… and fail again. Now I love picking apart problems and finding solutions – this was my moment! I finally used my voice and walked up and lead my team on where to place the boards and how to manage personnel and equipment to get it across to the other side. We all made it – and in that moment I felt more empowered than ever before.
I soon became the Platoon Leader for my platoon and had the opportunity to lead my soldiers in all training aspects. It was honestly pretty cool, but also very exhausting and hard because I had to be someone they looked up to. I had to be the first one up, last one to eat, last one to bed, the one who was culpable for those that did not meet the standard, and most importantly – never quit. Each week we had foot marches that we had to complete; failure to complete these could result in a recycle or being kicked out. Now I was issued boots that were 1 size too big – I don’t blame the civilian ladies who were pushing over thousands of soldiers through the long lines at the processing stations– however, when initially issued I tried to explain they were too big – but was quickly silenced and informed they were right. Long story short – it was not okay, nor were they right. On foot marches the Platoon Leader walks directly behind the Drill Sergeant and, not to mention, keeps up with their pace. We all had to wear “full battle rattle,” which consists of a helmet, M4, body armor with bullet proof plates that weigh 25 lbs. , canteens full of water, and our assault packs that had our gear which would make an extra 15- 20 pounds I am guessing. This particular foot march was either 3 or 5 miles long (I don’t remember specifically) and as soon as we started I knew I was going to have issues with my feet. It took all I had to continue as I saw soldier after soldier quit themselves and quit their company. I cried – the pain from my heels was almost unbearable. I internally swore at myself – “Why am I even here? What the F&*^ am I doing with my life? Can I really finish?” Then out of nowhere, the Drill Sergeant directly in front of me bellowed to all of us a comment of praise and encouragement. In this moment I saw my son, I saw what I was to those in my company and to myself – a LEADER, a WOMAN, someone who wouldn’t give up. “I dug in“ – I started dragging my feet to where my toes started hurting, but it took the pain from my heels. I bit my lip to try and ease and refocus the pain. It seemed like forever but eventually I saw our barracks – we were almost there! I kept yelling and encouraging my company even though I was also verbally encouraging myself. When the foot march finished, we were given time to clean ourselves up. It was extremely hard to even want to take off my boots – I knew what I would find, and I didn’t want to face it; however time was ticking away and it had to be done. As I tugged my boots off my socks were covered in blood. I had blisters and broken blisters all over my feet. On my heels I had HUGE blood blisters were on one leg a blood line was going up my one leg. I completely lost it – I bawled in front of a couple of my closest confidants- I probably could have used a paper bag, honestly. How could I put my shoes back on? I missed my family! The pain was the worst pain, I think, because it held some emotions of – what did I just put myself through? But also – YOU ARE ONE BAD B*&ch! (Excuse my French – but trust me, my state of mind was far from being polite and demure.) You know what I did – I cleaned myself up, put my shoes on and I walked out of that trailer like a boss. I wouldn’t quit.
It must have been the fact my eyeballs were so puffy and could be seen from others even with my basic combat glasses (they were like 1970s style brown glasses) that a Drill Sergeant pulled me aside. He asked what was going on, to which I had to face the facts and admit that my feet looked like shredded meat. I think this even mortified him at the time – because he immediately gave my battle buddy a needle, bandage wrap, and some alcohol pads – told her to drain the rest of my blisters and then sent me back to the ladies who gave me the wrong size boots. For anyone not serving, taking care of your feet – that is your lifeline!
Sidebar to another short story –
The hardest position in the military for a woman is to be a woman in the military – in a leadership position. Change my mind! I have had and some of my closest friends have had similar experiences where as a sergeant, or higher, struggle with certain males (not all) respecting their leadership position, outlook, or expertise. For example, I have two bad “butt” girlfriends that work in the ammunition field – sounds like an easy gig; however, most of the work includes hard labor and is typically completed at night or the early morning hours. Although they have proven themselves by the military standard that they are fully capable to wear their stripes– one of their Senior Leaders was always calling upon males to complete the work or completely bypassing them in their duties. They felt forgotten and to this day, all too many times, do woman have to, I believe, hold a higher standard than a male to “prove themselves.” It was with my, quite literal, blood, sweat, tears that I have reached the position where I am today. Many aren’t aware – but I am currently the only female maintenance shop supervisor in our state. I can also tell you that there are certain instances where I am interrupted by my boss in certain situations whereas he would NEVER do that to the other supervisor who is male. We are talking out of approximately 30ish– I am the lone warrior. Why is that? I like to believe it is mostly due to my mentality that I won’t let them beat me, and I always enforce other women to excel in their given fields, but….Let me leave you with one of my most favorite lines from the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, “The man may be the head of the household, but the woman is the neck; and she can turn the head anyway she wants it.” What a powerful statement! Now mind you – this was in relation to marriage – however, I have made this my mantra and it’s sad to say but sometimes I have had to come up with an idea and sell it to my male counterparts as if it was their own.
Now some may be screaming – OMG! You shouldn’t be doing that. How will woman ever overcome or break the glass ceiling. There is a method to my madness and sometimes, it takes simple instances such as this to break through that glass ceiling or– as I have done; completely immerse yourself in education so that you can outwit or provide a service others cannot. When I started my current position I had NO experience. None! I really only got the position because I was the only one that applied, and let’s be honest a woman applying to work in a maintenance field is, ummm… not typical. (We all fill out those minority forms for our employer.) My coworker who outranked me on the military and civilian side didn’t help assimilate me much to my position. Honestly, my first day at work he was not there and nor was my Supervisor – I was told to “file things” like I was some secretary from the 1950s trying to make her mark. I didn’t let that deter me – I jumped all in. I volunteered to go to additional trainings. I started offering to complete my coworker’s duties because he felt they may be too mundane for him. I started taking work home, I also started…. NETWORKING!!! That my friends is another huge key to my puzzle of success. Let’s now fast forward 5 years later and I am now my coworker’s boss, a subject matter expert in my field, and have created standard operating procedures for my section that are now being adopted by the state as guidance for other shops. I am also on a team that goes around and fixes other shops data analysis issues.
What is my point?
We all have limits. Limits that test us physically, mentally, and emotionally. Push through any situation in your life with all that you have. If at first you fail – that’s okay. Wipe your tears, get back up, and try again. I would not be here without all the pain, agony, failures, or knee deep situations where I didn’t think I could go on. I literally have cried almost at each training period that I was away from home. Which, I am okay with because it relieves me of stress so that I can refocus and tackle the problem or situation again. The only one that can create your story is you! Each day is a new page, a new start, a new day to reinvent yourself. Stare back at whatever is giving you anguish – and if you need to bite that lip and dig your heels in – you have came this far.
To my sister’s serving in boots:
It is no walk in the park for the women who serve in our Armed Forces. I want to thank you and also encourage any of you to keep you head held high, look straight forward and given em’ hell. Never for a second, second guess yourself or if you belong – you do and we are stronger together.
Keep Fighting ~ Amanda
#womeninthemilitary #strongertogether #friendships #mrsstatecollegeinternational #fightforyourgoals #neverquit
If you are interested in helping women in the service or are seeking help yourself check out these organizations: @operationwearehere https://operationwearehere.com @servicewomenactionnetwork https://servicewomen.org
Her Boots 